Things To Do With A Pack Of Cigarettes

1. Leave the pack out in the sun for twenty-one days, or until soft.

2. Put a cigarette in the microwave on the baked potato setting.

3. Line up ten cigarettes like bowling pins. Try for a lucky strike.

4. Make cigarette doll buddies: draw faces and stick matches in the side for arms.

5. Remove any wrinkles from a cigarette using your local dry cleaner’s steam press.

6. Chop up a cigarette into tiny pieces with your never-used infomercial knife set.

7. Dress a cigarette up for a night on the town. Use lipstick. Depending on the desperation of your cigarette, spritz some perfume.

8. Smush a cigarette between your fingers. Great for relieving stress.

9. Take a cigarette apart to see how it works. Attempt to reassemble. When this fails, plant the tobacco in your vegetable garden.

10. Burn a cigarette on the sidewalk using a magnifying glass. Use the resulting pile of ash to craft a public service announcement about litter.

11. Transform your toy boat into a steamship by sticking the lit cigarette on deck and sending it down the Hudson River.

12. Unroll another cigarette and use the insides as confetti at your next EPA party.

13. Stuff the empty cigarette paper with a tightly rolled twenty dollar bill.

14. Leave the money-cigarette in the cracks on a sidewalk for one lucky smoker.

15. Watch an old man beam as he stoops to pick up the cigarette, only to groan and chuck it in the nearest trash can.

16. Dig through garbage and salvage your last cigarette.