Womb
SCENE 1
Two grown men stand in a fetal position, facing each other. The swishing of amniotic fluid and a heartbeat are heard in the BG.
MAN #1: Ya know, when the time comes, I’m going first.
MAN #2: Fuck you. I’m going first.
MAN #1: No way. You’re not leaving me in here alone.
Beat.
MAN #2: Pussy.
MAN #1: Oh please. Like you’d brave enough to hang in here three to six minutes waiting for the next contraction.
MAN #2: I would. But I’m not gonna. Cuz I’m going first.
Beat.
MAN #1: It’s scary out there, you know.
MAN #2: Really? And where did you hear that?
MAN #1: Mom.
MAN #2: What?
MAN #1: Yeah. She told us that story about the girl who got eaten by that dog.
MAN #2: You mean Little Red Riding Hood?
MAN #1: I dunno. I was asleep so I came in around the middle.
MAN #2: That’s a fairy tale, ya dumb shit.
MAN #1: A fairy tale?
MAN #2: Yeah. A made up story that uses symbolism to express a moral.
MAN #1: What’s the moral of Little Red Riding Hood.
MAN #2: Fuck if I know.
MAN #1: Maybe it’s - if you go first, you could get eaten by a dog.
MAN #2: Maybe it’s - I’m gonna take my tiny fist and punch you in your dollar fucking fifty if you even try to go first.
Beat.
MAN #1: Well, that moral makes very little sense.
MOM (OFF) (screaming): Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
MAN #1: Oh my God. It’s happening!
MAN #2: Step aside little man.
MAN #1: No, no! I was conceived first and first I will go.
MAN #2: The egg divides, ya stupid dick. There’s no first and second. We were together the whole time.
MAN #1: Don’t remind me.
MOM (OFF) (screaming): JESUS H. CHRIST!!! Get these two assholes out of me.
MAN #2: Get the fuck offa me!
MAN #1: I have to tell you, I am NOT looking forward to sharing a bunk bed with you.
MAN #2: Me? Before you even hit puberty, you’re gonna be shaking those beds so hard moms are gonna need to cross brace that shit like their getting it ready for a 9.0 earthquake.
MAN #1: Wait. Moms?
MAN #2: You really don’t pay attention do you?
MAN #1: I need frequent naps, okay? I’m going to live a long and accomplished life whereas you will probably die of a heroin overdose by the time you’re twenty-five.
MAN #2: True dat.
MAN #1: So, are you saying that our mother is --
MAN #2: A dyke, yeah. So is our other mom. A dyke. Duh. I guess I can understand you being clueless since moms have only had sex once since we came along. Typical. Lesbian Bed Death they call it. But that one time they did do it, it was during the Michigan Womeyn’s (with a Y) Festival. Remember that lady shaman who blessed us? She was hot, in a lezzie kind of way.
MAN #1: Hmm. I think I was napping.
The men shake again.
MOM (OFF) (screaming): Who the fuck’s idea was this natural shit!!!! Give me some fucking morphine!!!!!
MAN #1: I take it back. You go first.
MAN #2: Nu-uh. I’m stayin’ in here.
MAN #1: Fine. We’ll both stay.
MAN #2: I have things to do anyway, like finish staring at my hands.
MAN #1: I’ve got some sleep to catch up on.
More shaking. More violent. The men start to turn around each other, holding each other for dear life. It’s as if they are getting sucked from the tops of their heads.
MOM (OFF) (screaming): AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Everything stops.
MAN #2: Hm.
Man #1’s eyes are closed.
MAN #1: Is it over?
MAN #2: Open your fuckin’ eyes, Dipshit.
Man #1 opens his eyes, cautiously.
MAN #1: Is this the world?
MAN #2: Does it look like the fucking world, Jackass?
MAN #1: Having never been in the world, how would I know? Jerk.
Beat. Shaking begins again - more and more violently.
MAN #1: Not again!!!
MAN #2: Ohhhhhhhh shitttttttttttt!!
MAN #2: I’m gonna get you for this later, you Little Shit!!!!!
MAN #1: Maybe...maybe they forgot about me. Maybe they don’t know I’m here. I’ll hide.
Man #1 curls into more of a ball. It works for about five seconds. Then the shaking begins again.
MAN #1: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no!!! Ohhhhhhh shitttttttttttt!!!!
Man #1 gets sucked out by his head.
DOCTOR (OFF): Congratulations ma’am. You have two healthy baby boys!
MOM (OFF): Oh shit.
